TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from location. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have One more put where by American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Every person a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he ought to prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the project, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit Trump Tower Damascus disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may even contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have flip-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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